Bruce Williams

I was floundering for a topic this week when I came across an unfinished list I’d started a while back regarding the parameters of male friendship for a guy my age.  Have you heard the White Stripes’ song “We’re Going to Be Friends”?  Well just insert a “Not” between the “We’re” and the “Going” if you check too many boxes on this list of preliminaries.  Needless to say, my circle of friends can fit onto a pin’s head, but you really only need a couple of pretty good ones.

So here we go…things guys do that make me skeptical of them as a suitable companion:

  1. Wear a shoulder bag

  2. Have a tailfin on the back of their car

  3. Have an energy drink sticker on their car

  4. Wear too much cologne

  5. Can’t take a joke

  6. Wear a puka shell necklace or choker

  7. Unbutton their shirt way too far

  8. Never carry any cash

  9. Don’t pay off bets in a timely fashion

  10. Take themselves way too seriously

  11. Lie reflexively

  12. Use meth

  13. Use a different, higher voice when talking to women

  14. Spend too much time in front of the mirror at the gym.

  15. Type their posts in angry ALL CAPS

  16. Wear capris

  17. Root for the Yankees—or Patriots

  18. Wear a tank top out to a nice dinner

  19. Have a mullet (currently…”had a mullet in the ‘80’s” is forgiven)

  20. Pull out a Velcro wallet

  21. Randomly pantomime their golf swing

  22. Have braces as an adult man

  23. Don’t like dogs

  24. Claim they’ve never masturbated with a straight face

  25. Have a wet, limp handshake

  26. Don’t follow politics

  27. Continue to gel-spike their thinning hair

  28. Wear gold medallions

  29. Wear multiple bohemian bracelets

  30. Have a neck tattoo without ever being in a band, on a major league roster or been in prison.

  31. Live alone with more than one cat

  32. Don’t pay their child support

  33. Wear unlaced high tops

  34. Sport an unironic mustache

  35. Wear oversized glasses with gold rims

  36. Don’t attempt to dunk when encountering an 8-foot rim

  37. Listen to soft country

  38. Listen to dance/trance

  39. Wax their eyebrows

  40. Can’t reenact scenes from “Stepbrothers” or “Tommy Boy”

  41. Don’t read books

  42. Groan while they urinate or while in a stall

  43. Have a cocky personalized license plate

  44. Are a flat-Earther

  45. Are homophobic

  46. Drive a car littered with fast food and condom wrappers

  47. Talk about their keto diet

  48. Claim to have a much smaller waistline than they actually do

  49. Request you roll up the window because their hair is getting messed up

  50. Don’t get Larry David or Peter Griffin

  51. Ever turn down AC/DC

  52. Request egg white omelettes

  53. Ask to borrow your toenail clippers when entering your home

  54. Did I mention too much cologne?

  55. Don’t wear deodorant

  56. Are a speed walker

  57. Take small, delicate bites

  58. Wear short shorts

  59. Sport a denim jacket while also wearing jeans.  Negative bonus points for acid wash.

  60. Don’t know how to grill

  61. Can’t name five famous SNL skits

  62. Would refuse a game of Monopoly

  63. Order pizza without meat on it

  64. Don’t laugh at fart jokes

  65. Show up anywhere with a fanny pack

  66. Tie a sweater around their shoulders

  67. Store their sunglasses on the back of their neck, in their man-cleavage or on top of their hat brim

  68. Are unable to conjure an amusing anecdote

  69. Still go clothes shopping with their mother—and let her buy

  70. Sport a combover or bad plugs

  71. Go jogging in marble sack running tights

  72. Heavy sigh near my face

  73. Point out babies in the crowd at a football game

  74. I had “wears a kilt” until I found out one of my friends has one (hi Greg)

  75. Tries to start “The Wave” at games

Well, this has been fun—it’s much easier to create a long list while Watching t.v. than it is to attempt clever, coherent prose.  Sadly, most of these entries are culled from actual people I’ve met over the years—and I waaaayy exceeded my original target of 50 items.  Now if you can actually navigate this edict of elitist fussiness, perhaps you should contact Eli Sports for your tryout coffee.  But don’t get your hopes up—the list is ever expanding.  Good day to you, sir.

By Brandon Brown

Content Director for Eli Sports Network

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